Onward Isn’t Always Upward

Why I put my head into a bowl of Ice Water

I’m going out tonight. To a concert.
And honestly, I surprised myself with this one.

Because I’m the least spontaneous person in the world, who can turn into the most spontaneous person in a heartbeat. And if the non-spontaneous part of me isn’t paying close attention, I can suddenly find myself in unexpected places. Like tonight.

Or like last week, when I found myself in a freediving course. And a few days later, in a one-on-one coaching session. And today, with my head in a bowl of icy water, trying to trigger my Master Switch.

The Master Switch, in short, is what makes your body remember how to survive. It tells you: calm down. You’ll need your calm more than your panic.

And for someone like me, a forever emerging artist raised in hustle culture, that’s a revelation in itself: that slowing down brings more peace than any perfectly completed to-do list ever could.

You might be wondering:
Alright. Good for her. She feels calm underwater and she’s going out tonight.
But aren’t we here for art?

We are. And I am.
Some of you might remember what I wrote last time, that I’d be posting here weekly, and once a month on my blog?

Guess what: it’s been a month without a single word here, and even longer since my last blog post.

What’s the big deal, you ask?

The deal is: I’m a self-employed artist.
My survival depends on my work being seen.
And we all know what that means these days: a hell of a lot of effort on your online presence.
And if you’re not willing to do that, then you better be a master of social networking.
And if you’re not willing to do that either, then you better make peace with being an artist who stays "emerging" forever.

Like me.

No Master Switch to Success.

And as it turns out, the underwater Master Switch isn’t so easily triggered either.
20 to 30 meters deep—maybe then, if you’re lucky. (If you were wondering, putting your head into Ice Water is not enough but still calming for your Vagus Nerve)
I make it to 10 meters before I turn around, suprised again by my own courage.

Where were we?
Ah yes. The Master Switch to Success.

Maybe it’s not so much a breakthrough as a slow descent.
Not upward. But deeper.
Maybe that’s what the diving course was really about:
Learning that onward isn’t always upward.
It can mean diving into depth instead.

And that’s what I’m doing with my art—digging tunnels into my inner world and surprising myself with where they lead.

I’ll leave this here, along with a few photos of my newest pieces.
One of them is available through Séance Gallery—an interactive work. The collector will receive a video made with love, darkness, and deep dives.

The other one will be part of a group show at Poetic Tiger Gallery in August.

And there will be more to come this autumn.
I promise to write again before then. Probably.

P.S. If you enjoy these letters and the quiet, deep worlds I try to build, you can support my work here – it helps me keep creating, diving, and occasionally resurfacing to write to you.

And even a small ripple – a comment, a like – can help the signal reach a little further. I appreciate it more than you know. <3